Chubby Doesn't Mean Sad, Skinny Doesn't Mean Happy
Autumn of 2013 isn’t a time I talk about much. It was when my mental health was the worst it had ever been. I was anxious all the time and the only way I could think of to cope was to lose weight. A lot of weight. While I showed social media that I did it the right way by exercising often and eating healthier I really did not do it the right way. I couldn’t control my mind so I obsessed over my looks.
I won’t say I had an eating disorder because I don’t want to take away from the people that have a daily battle with food but I definitely fell into a terrible pattern of distorted eating. I would limit myself to 1,200 calories a day, which seems normal for someone who wants to lose weight. However, there were plenty of days where I would only eat 600 calories or so. I wouldn’t allow myself to eat after about 6 or 7pm so even if I had only had a granola bar, banana and small stir-fry that day I wouldn’t eat anything else. I truly started to thrive off the feeling of hunger and emptiness in my stomach because I felt really empty everywhere else.
Look at that chubby belly from this morning!
My sophomore year at Pitt was both my worst and best in some ways. In the fall, I got denied from the Disney College Program because I didn’t pass the very first personality screening. It was an online test. I was so crushed that my dad drove out from Michigan within an hour of my phone call home to spend the weekend with me. I would wake up at 6am and walk 23 minutes to the gym, I would exercise for about 80 minutes and then walk all the way home to shower before getting to my first class at 9:30 (which was another 15 minute walk from my apartment). I would measure the amount of oil I used to stir fry food and would count those calories into my total. I would check nutritional menus a week before I went to any restaurant to plan out my meals. I was extra restrictive of calories for two weeks leading up to my sister’s birthday so I could eat cake without feeling guilty.
October 23, 2013 - I was proud of myself but not actually happy.
Now, for some people the habits I fell into work. It is healthy for some people to operate that way. But for me it was not. I love food. I love cake and potatoes. I like pad thai and wings. Yes, I know I could and should eat better than I do now. I could definitely stand to lose 10-20 pounds. However, I am overall happy with how I look now. I get upset when I wake up and my belly is bloated or when a cute shirt is feeling tight. But now I don’t beat myself up about it. I don’t cut food out nor do I binge to hide the feelings. I now just accept them.
The good thing that came out of my sophomore year is that I found Active Minds. It was an organization that helped me find a purpose in college. I found most of my best Pitt friends through it and it gave me a platform to share my struggles and help others find resources to get better.
Even five years later my anxiety still gets bad sometimes. However, I am lucky that I no longer have such a toxic relationship with food. I am lucky that my parents have always been supportive of me. I am lucky to have friends that will go out to eat and indulge in calorie-laden goodness without making me feel guilty. I’m lucky to have a man that finds me attractive even with my big butt and chubby stomach. I am lucky to have a great job. I am lucky to be able to live in Pittsburgh and travel home to Michigan whenever I want. I am lucky to have the ability to write about my struggles. I am lucky that there are social media influencers and models in the media that look how I do now with their big boobs and beautiful smiles. I am lucky to have overcome months of disordered eating. I am lucky that I never developed a full eating disorder because I don’t know if I would have had the strength to recover. So to all my friends that have had similar struggles or who continue to overcome obstacles every single day, I love you and you are amazing!
