Sadness. Confusion. Love.
It wasn’t until last night as I performed my nightly social media ritual (that means I’m cuddled under blankets with my cat in bed as I scroll through Snapchat stories, Facebook and Instagram) that I was really struck by the Florida shooting. My stomach had sunk earlier in the day at work when my older sister texted me that a friend of ours had lost one of her dance students in the shooting. My heart ached but I was at work. I couldn’t really allow myself the time to process it. I can’t stand at the front desk and cry.
So, it was some 12 hours later as I was scrolling through Facebook that I really let the tragedy sink in. When I saw my friend’s short video of all of her dancers releasing orange balloons to the sky I lost it. A teacher shared words of courage and strength but as soon as she stopped speaking and the girls let go of their balloons all that could be heard was sobbing. It broke my heart.
I grew up dancing competitively and I can only imagine the pain these poor girls are feeling to have lost their friend and family member. They’re young. They’re still in middle and high school and they have to process losing a friend to a shooting. It is so unfair. It is also so unfair to the parents, teachers, siblings and family members that are also faced with the insurmountable task of overcoming this grief.
Death comes in so many forms. I know I process it differently depending on how it shows itself. When someone passes away from an illness and long battle, the pain is there for those left behind but loved ones have a chance to prepare themselves. Heart attacks or strokes can take a life in a fleeting moment. There is no chance for preparation. The hole people feel is huge. And then we have instances were people methodically prepare to kill others. That death in that one that hits me the hardest.
My family was in Charleston in June 2015 in the wake of the church shooting there. I believe they even saw Obama’s Secret Service detail. Racial hatred prompted a man to enter a church and kill as many worshippers as possible. A hate crime against blacks. Something that should be far gone in America.
I was a Disney Cast Member in Orlando on June 12, 2016, when the Pulse nightclub shooting occurred. I vividly remember being pulled backstage the following day by a Leader to be coached on what we could and could not say to Guests. I also remember the intense way that everyone came together. Cast Members checked in on each other and there was so much love around. To me, Pulse was a terrorist attack and hate crime on gays. With my own eyes I saw the multitude of flowers and memorials left outside the doors of Pulse. It shouldn’t be that way.
The Las Vegas shooting also hit close to home because of the nature of it. A concert was attacked from a hotel. It’s no surprise that I love a good concert and I work at a hotel. People were simply enjoying a night of friendship, drinks, and good music when someone decided it was a good idea to kill as many as possible. A few days after the Vegas shooting we had a Guest come to the front desk asking for a manager to better understand our property’s protocol for an active shooter. This random lady needed reassurance that she would be safe at our hotel. We cannot give that assurance.
And now we have the school shooting in Florida. This one hits me the most since I have a firsthand connection to the pain this is causing people. My eyes are honestly still a little puffy as I am typing because of how much I cried last night and I’m about to spend two days in the dance world where I know I will be sad and heartbroken if I allow my brain to think of the hate America has just shown.
I am not here to talk politics.
I am not knowledgeable enough to debate on gun reform and mental illness. I know there is a lack of resources in many places for individuals to get mental health help when needed but I am pretty sure these mass shootings are bigger than mental illness.
All of them stem from hate. A desire to hurt others. A desire to ruin lives and have power. This isn’t something that a travel ban from Middle Eastern countries will stop. This won’t be solved by banning certain guns. It is about education and acceptance. Why does it matter if someone is gay, or black, or from some “banned” country? Aren’t we all people? If we didn’t have so many people perpetuating hate this world would be a lot better. We are trained to be afraid of people instead of getting to know them. We don’t have conversations where we listen to both sides. We come into places with preconceived notions and do our best to make the world fit into the narrow limits we have set.
There is no one thing that can fix the mess America is in. Or the mess the world is in. But I do believe that conversations, understanding and collaborating can make the world a safer place. It is times like these where it is extra important to share your feelings. Tell your friends and family what they mean to you. Take risks. Live life because it really could all be gone in an instant.
